There are five stages to the
mourning process: 1) Aninut, pre-burial mourning. 2-3) Shivah,
a seven day period following the burial; within the Shivah, the
first three days are characterized by a more intense degree of mourning. 4) Shloshim,
the 30-day mourning period. 5) The First Year (observed only
by the children of the deceased).
II.Basic Mourning Observances
Note: What follows is only a very basic outline
of the laws of mourning. for a more comprehensive summary, see In Detail, or consult
a qualified rabbi.
A. Who Mourns:
The laws of mourning described below are
incumbent upon seven first-degree relatives of the deceased: son or daughter,
brother or sister, father or mother, and spouse (husband or wife). The other
relatives and friends form the more outer circle of mourning, and offer support
and comfort to the primary mourners.
B. Aninut:
The first, most intense period of mourning is
the period between the death and the burial. This period, called aninut,
is characterized by a numbing, paralyzing grief. During this period, the first
degree relatives' all-consuming concern are the funeral and burial
arrangements, to the extent that they are absolved by Torah law from
the observance of all mitzvot requiring action (praying, laying tefillin,
etc.).
It is during this period that the k'riah,
or rending of the garments as a sign of grief, is performed.
(According to the custom of some communities, k'riah is
performed immediately following the death or upon receiving news of the death;
the more common custom is that the first degree mourners tear their clothes
during the funeral ceremony, before the burial.)
Our sages instruct, "do not comfort the
mourner during the time that his deceased lies [still unburied] before
him." At this point, the grief is too intense for any effort at
consolation. It is a time to simply be with the mourner and offer practical
assistance, rather than words of consolation. It is a time of silence, not
words.
C. The Shivah
The Shivah begins after the
burial, and extends to the morning of the seventh day. The distinguishing feature
of the Shivah is that the mourners take an almost complete break from the
routines and involvements of everyday life to focus exclusively on the memory
of the departed and the manner in which they will honor him or her in their
lives, and receive consolation from their extended family, friends, and the
community.
The basic practices of the Shivah:
1.
Condolence
Meal: When the mourners
arrive home from the cemetery following the burial, they are given a special
meal of condolence —traditionally, bagels and hard-boiled eggs, whose round
shape is symbolic of the cycle of life.
2.
The
House of Mourning: For the entire
week of the Shivah, the mourners remain in the house of mourning, and their
relatives, friends and members of the community come to fulfill the mitzvah of nichum
aveilim (consoling the mourner) and participate in prayers, Torah
study, the giving of charity and other mitzvot performed in the merit of the
departed. During the prayer services, the mourners recite the Kaddish.
It is best to "sit shivah" in the home of the deceased, so that the prayers and good deeds performed in his or her merit take place in his or her "place" and environment.
It is best to "sit shivah" in the home of the deceased, so that the prayers and good deeds performed in his or her merit take place in his or her "place" and environment.
3.
Working
and Conducting Business: One
of the most fundamental laws of Jewish mourning (over three thousand years old,
and later recorded by the prophet Ezekiel), is the prohibition of working
and doing business during Shivah.
4.
Consoling
the Bereaved (making a
"Shivah Call"): It is a great mitzvah to console the bereaved. This
is done by visiting the mourner in the house of mourning during Shivah, talking
about the life and deeds of the person being mourned, participating in the
prayers and other activities done in merit of the departed, or simply being
there for the mourner.
Before leaving, the visitors extend the traditional words of consolation to the mourners: Hamakom yenachem etchem b'toch she'ar aveilei tzion v'yerushalayim — "May G‑d comfort you, together with all mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." (Click here for text in Hebrew, transliteration and translation)
We are there to be supportive, to visit, to listen, but not to place a burden by expecting false joviality and plastic smiles from the bereaved. No mourner should, G‑d forbid, feel obliged to put on a "nice face" for others.
Before leaving, the visitors extend the traditional words of consolation to the mourners: Hamakom yenachem etchem b'toch she'ar aveilei tzion v'yerushalayim — "May G‑d comfort you, together with all mourners of Zion and Jerusalem." (Click here for text in Hebrew, transliteration and translation)
We are there to be supportive, to visit, to listen, but not to place a burden by expecting false joviality and plastic smiles from the bereaved. No mourner should, G‑d forbid, feel obliged to put on a "nice face" for others.
5.
Daily Minyan. A minyan (prayer quorum)
should gather for the three daily prayers in the house of mourning,
so that the mourners can participate in a communal prayer service and recite
the Kaddish. A Torah Scroll should be borrowed, for use on days on which the
Torah is read. If no minyan can be assembled, the mourners
should leave the house of mourning to attend services with the congregation.
6.
Memorial
Candles. Candles should be
kindled in the house of mourning in memory of the deceased, attesting to the
presence of the "candle of G‑d [that is] the soul of man" (Proverbs
20:27). The candles are kindled upon returning from the cemetery and
kept burning for the entire seven-day period of Shiva. According to
the Kabbalah, five candles should be lit, representing the five levels of
the soul. (Special Shivah candles are usually provided by the funeral
director.)
7.
Covering
the Mirrors. It is a
time-honored tradition to cover the mirrors and pictures in the house of
mourning from the moment of death to the end of Shivah. While the custom is of
uncertain origin, its practice is appropriate to the pattern of mourning (see
"Leather Shoes" below).
8.
"Sitting"
Shivah: It is an ancient
Jewish tradition that mourners, during Shivah, do not sit upon chairs of normal
height, but rather on low stools.
9.
Leather
Shoes: The mourner forgoes
the comfort of leather shoes during Shivah. The stockinged feet or less
substantial shoes of bereavement is symbolic of a disregard of vanity and
comfort in order better to concentrate on the deeper meaning of life.
10. Grooming: The mourner does not shave or cut his hair, nor does he
bathe or shower for pleasure, during Shivah. Laundering or wearing freshly
laundered clothes is also proscribed, as is the acquisition or wearing of new
clothes (if the only clothes available are soiled, they may be washed). The
mourner wears the torn garment on which he or she performed the k'riah throught
the Shivah.
11. Marital Relations: Mourners refrain from marital relations
during Shivah.
12. Music or Entertainment: Mourners do not enjoy the sound of music,
or any other forms of amusement or entertainment.
13. Torah Study: The study of Torah is not permitted during Shivah, for it is
considered a source of profound delight. As the Bible itself expresses it,
"The laws of G‑d are righteous and rejoice the heart." However, the
mourner is permitted to read the laws of mourning and study books on ethical
behavior and other parts of Torah that are of a non-joyous nature.
14. Shabbat: During Shabbat, all public displays of mourning are
suspended. Shortly before the holy day begins, the mourners bathe and put on their
Shabbat clothes. On Shabbat, they may also leave the house of mourning to
attend services and recite the Kaddish in the synagogue.
15. "Getting Up" from the Shivah. Shivah ends on the morning of the seventh
day after burial (with the day of the burial counting as the first day),
immediately following the morning service. Those present extend condolences,
and the mourners rise from their week of mourning to resume the normalcy of
everyday life.
D. The Sheloshim and the First Year:
Even as the mourner resumes his or her everyday
routine after the Shivah, certain mourning practices, such as not purchasing or
wearing new clothes, cutting one's hair, enjoying music or other form of
entertainment, and participating in joyous events (weddings, etc.), are
continued for a period of thirty days (beginning from the day of the burial).
In the case of a person mourning the passing of
a parent, these mourning practices extend for a full year. (Regarding the
cutting of the hair, the law provides for the principle of "social
reproach." This means that those in mourning for a parent may cut their
hair after 30 days at the first instance of even mild reproach or criticism by
friends or neighbors. Immediately after this social reproach, the mourner is
permitted to take a haircut.)
In Summation:
Jewish tradition provides a framework to channel
and express our grief over the loss of a loved one, from the stupefying grief
of Aninut, to the seclusion, break from routine, and receiving of
condolence of the Shivah, to the subsequent resumption of everyday
life whilst continuing certain mourning rituals during the Sheloshim and
the First Year.
It is important to meticulously observe these
guidelines and rituals; it is equally important that they not be exceeded. At
times, the mourner may not consciously feel the degree or type of grief and
mourning these rituals convey; other times, he or she may not feel prepared to
"move on" to the next, lesser phase of mourning. Yet the wisdom of
adhering to the observances and timetables established by the Torah has been
attested to time and again by anyone who, G‑d forbid, undergoes this process.
The Torah's mourning laws provide the outlet and validation for our grief so
crucial to the healing process, as well as the framework to graduate from one
level of mourning to another, until our loss is integrated as a constructive,
and not, G‑d forbid, destructive, force in our lives.
But the traditional mourning practices are not
only about us and how we deal with our grief. They are, first and foremost,
about the person whom we mourn. The mourning and memorializing rituals mandated
by the Torah empower us with the spiritual tools with which to honor the
departed soul and assist its elevation to its new, higher state of life.
I. Learning, Mitzvot and Charity "In Merit Of" the Soul (from Chabad.org)
1.
There is
nothing greater we can do for the soul of those who have departed
this world than to accept upon ourselves an increase in good deeds and positive
achievements to be done lizchut--"in
merit of"--and l'ilui nishmat,
"for the elevation of the soul". The children, relatives and friends
should undertake to do additional Torah learning (particularly,
the study of Mishnah), to give to charity, and to increase
their good deeds.
2.
A common practice is to accept upon oneself an improvement in the
observance of a particular mitzvah. Of particular merit is to establish a charitable
fund or an institution devoted to a positive goal, in merit of the departed.
II. Kaddish
1.
Reciting
Kaddish. One of the most sacred rituals observed by all Jews
throughout the generations is the practice of reciting the Kaddish prayer for the merit of the
departed soul of one's father or mother.
Click here for the text of Kaddish — in Hebrew, transliteration and translation.
Click here for an Interactive Kaddish Trainer.
Film:Click here for the text of Kaddish — in Hebrew, transliteration and translation.
Click here for an Interactive Kaddish Trainer.
2.
The first
eleven months. The Kaddish is recited for the first time in the cemetery,
immediately following the burial. Henceforth, it is recited every day, in the
designated places in the three daily prayer services, for eleven months.
3.
On the yahrtzeit. Kaddish
is also recited every year on the yahrtzeit — the anniversary, on the Jewish
calendar, of the person's passing. (See "Yahrtzeit" below.)
4.
Who recites
Kaddish. The duty to recite Kaddish rests upon the children of the
deceased. If a person dies without children, then another relative should
assume the task. If that is not possible, then another person can be assigned
or hired to recite Kaddish in the merit of the deceased.
5.
The Minyan. Kaddish
can only be recited at a minyan —
a communal regular prayer service held with the participation of at least ten
adult (age 13 or older) Jewish men.
6.
Leading the
service. If the mourner is able to lead the prayer service for the
congregation, it is a particular merit for the soul of the departed for him to
do so.
III. Grave Marker and Unveiling
1.
Rachel's memorial. The
custom of memorializing the dead with a grave marker is a time-honored Jewish
tradition dating back to biblical times. In Genesis
35:20, the Torah mentions the matzeivah (memorial
stone) which Jacob erected over the grave of his wife, Rachel.
2.
When should
the gravestone be erected? Immediately upon the burial, a temporary
marker with the deceased's name is placed upon the grave. The gravestone may be
put up any time after the Shivah (seven days of
mourning). It is best to do so as soon as possible — preferably on the very day
that the mourners "get up" from the Shivah.
3.
The
inscription. At a minimum, the gravestone should include the Hebrew name
and father's name of the deceased, and the Hebrew date of his or her passing.
In addition, it is customary to write about the virtues and achievements of the
deceased. In this, one should follow the common practice of the markers on the
other graves in the vicinity, so as not to markedly exceed (thereby insulting
those interred nearby) nor diminish (thereby being disrespectful towards the
deceased) from the norm.
4.
The
"Unveiling." A brief ceremony is usually held at the
graveside upon the erection of the memorial stone, which includes the
recitation of Psalms and the Kaddish.
IV. The Yahrtzeit
1.
Annual day
of memorial. The anniversary, on the Jewish calendar, of a person's
passing, is his or her "Yahrtzeit." On this day we remember and
memorialize the life and accomplishments of the departed soul, and rededicate
ourselves to perpetuate his or her legacy and undertake additional good deeds
for the elevation of the soul.
2.
Kaddish and
prayer. On the Jewish calendar, the day begins at nightfall of the
previous evening and ends at nightfall. During this 24 hour period, Kaddish is
recited by the children of the deceased (or by whoever is observing the
yahrtzeit) in the three daily services—evening, morning and afternoon. If
possible, the one observing the yahrtzeit should also lead the prayer service.
3.
Learning
and charity. Torah should be studied in the merit of the soul; a
time-honored custom is to study Mishnah (the compilation of Torah law that
forms the crux of the Talmud), the word mishnah having
the same Hebrew letters as neshamah, "soul."
Extra charity should be given on the yahrtzeit for the merit of the soul's
elevation.
4.
Kiddush and l'chaim. It is
customary to serve a kiddush in
the synagogue on the Shabbat preceding the yahrtzeit and a small repast on
the day of the yahrtzeit itself. The saying of the blessing L'chaim ("To Life!") and saying
words of Torah on these occasions is considered to be of particular merit to
the soul.
5.
Visiting
the grave. It is customary to visit the graves of loved ones around the
time of their Yahrtzeit (see "Visiting the Gravesite" below).
V. Visiting the Gravesite
1.
It is customary to visit the graves of loved ones around the time
of their Yahrtzeit as well as each year before the High Holidays.
The premise this custom is based on is two-fold:
There is always a trace of the soul present at the body's resting place. Just as the site of the Temple in Jerusalem remains holy, as "holiness never goes away" so, too, the repository of the soul retains a trace of the soul's holiness. Hence we are in contact with the presence of our loved one—which inspires our prayers to G‑d we offer at the grave site.
The soul —who is aware of our deeds— sees that we continue to respect and love it. This arouses the soul to stand before G‑d and join us in our prayers, eliciting a divine response.
The premise this custom is based on is two-fold:
There is always a trace of the soul present at the body's resting place. Just as the site of the Temple in Jerusalem remains holy, as "holiness never goes away" so, too, the repository of the soul retains a trace of the soul's holiness. Hence we are in contact with the presence of our loved one—which inspires our prayers to G‑d we offer at the grave site.
The soul —who is aware of our deeds— sees that we continue to respect and love it. This arouses the soul to stand before G‑d and join us in our prayers, eliciting a divine response.
2.
The
cemetery is holy ground and demands respect. One should observe
proper decorum when visiting graves, avoiding talk of mundane matters and
remaining involved in prayer and meditation the entire time one is there.
VI. Yizkor
1.
Memorial
prayer. Four times a year — on Yom Kippur, Shemini
Atzeret (the eighth day of Sukkot), the last day of Passover,
and the 2nd day of Shavuot — a special memorial prayer, called
"Yizkor," is said in the synagogue in remembrance of the soul of a
departed father or mother, which also includes a pledge for charity in their
merit.
2.
Private
moment. Only those who have a father or mother no longer among the
living remain in the synagogue during the Yizkor service. Everyone else leaves
the room, allowing the children of the departed a solemn private moment to
unite with the memory of their parents.
Allan Ginsburg's Kaddish
Kaddish, Allen Ginsberg's most stunning and emotional poem,
tells a story that is entirely true. As a young boy growing up in Paterson, New
Jersey, Allen watched his mother succumb to a series of psychotic episodes that
grew progressively worse despite desperate attempts at treatment. Before the
episodes began Naomi Ginsberg had been a pretty and vivacious schoolteacher,
perhaps eccentric in her fanatical devotion to the Communist party (not an
uncommon thing among Jews of her generation), but well-loved by family, friends
and neighbors. The first episodes occurred before Allen was born, and then
again when he was a few years old. Naomi, complaining of a painful sensitivity
to light, would sit in darkened rooms for hours. A visit to an expensive
sanitarium, Bloomingdale, seemed to help, and Naomi was better for a while.
As Allen entered his early teenage years, Naomi got worse
again. She had never gotten along with her mother-in-law, and began to suspect
Buba of plotting against her in bizarre ways. Light hurt her eyes again, her
behavior became harder and harder to explain, and she was sent to Greystone, a
large mental hospital in New Jersey, where she was treated with medication,
insulin shock and, later, electroshock. The treatments did not help. Naomi
would remain deeply unstable and unhappy during Allen's teenage years, returning
to Greystone often, sometimes staying for years at a time. The three men of the
Ginsberg house, Allen, his older brother Eugene and his father Louis, managed
to keep the family together through the difficult times, and the closeness the
three shared must have made the ordeal easier. Allen had a special feeling for
his mother, though. He understood her insanity as a spiritual condition rather
than a mental one, and always sought to find meaning or truth in her
disconnected, paranoid ravings.
She returned home several times, now fat from medication and
increasingly erratic in behavior. She wandered the house naked and swore that
the doctors, conspiring with her in-laws, had planted electrodes in her back so
as to control her. She seemed to trust Allen more than others, and one day took
him on a horrific bus journey all over New Jersey in search of a rest home
where she would be safe from the plottings of her husband's family. This
episode ended with her commitment, again, to a mental institution. She and
Louis divorced, she moved in with her sister, and ended up living in the
Pilgrim State hospital in Long Island, where doctors finally recommended a
lobotomy. In 1948, after some hesitation, Allen and his brother agreed to allow
this to proceed. (Lobotomy, involving the surgical severing of connections
within the brain, leaves a person permanently numb to emotional experience. It
is now outlawed. Tennessee Williams' sister, the subject of The Glass
Menagerie, was another literary family member who was eventually subjected to
this treatment. Ken Kesey's excellent novel One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
ends with the free-spirited hero succumbing to a punitive lobotomy.)
Naomi Ginsberg died on June 9, 1956. Allen was living in
Berkeley and enjoying the exciting first phase of his literary celebrity,
having introduced Howl to the world a year earlier. He'd just fallen in love
with Peter Orlovsky and must have felt a million miles away from the hopeless,
lonely rooms of the mental hospitals where his mother had lived out her last
years.
He missed the funeral, and later learned that the Kaddish,
or Jewish prayer for the dead, had not been read because too few men had been
present (according to traditional Jewish law, at least ten men, a minyan, must
be present for certain services to be performed). Two years later, in November
1958, Ginsberg was visiting his friend Zev Putterman. After an evening of Ray
Charles records and hard drugs Ginsberg told his friend about his mother's
death, and about how the Kaddish had not been read. Putterman had a copy of the
prayer in his apartment, and the two of them performed the ceremony themselves,
two years too late. Ginsberg went back to his apartment, sat at his desk and
began writing.
The Poem
- this raw, honest work seems to transcend the limitations of the poetic universe. It simply tells the truth.
- It begins with a walk in Naomi and Louis Ginsberg's old neighborhood, the echoing streets of Manhattan's Lower East Side in stark and loving detail
It leaps about me, as I go out and walk the street, look
back over my shoulder, Seventh Avenue, the battlements of window office
buildings shouldering each other high, under a cloud, tall as the sky in an
instant -- and the sky above -- an old blue place. or down the Avenue to the south, to -- as I walk toward the
Lower East Side -- where you walked 50 years ago, little girl -- from Russia,
eating the first poisonous tomatoes of America -- frightened on the dock --then struggling in the crowds of Orchard Street toward what?
-- toward Newark --toward candy store, first home-made sodas of the century,
hand-churned ice cream in backroom on musty brown floor boards --Toward education marriage nervous breakdown, operation,
teaching school, and learning to be mad, in a dream -- what is this life?
- Here he begins talking of his brother Eugene, then about his father Louis in the same way
- The tone is mostly one of forgiveness, of coming to peace with improperly buried memories.
- We hear of the hopeless bus quests, the horrifying tantrums and crying jags in bathrooms and hospitals.
- We see Allen as a simple child, frightened and unable to help.
so broke his life in two and paid for Law -- read huge blue
books and rode the ancient elevator 13 miles away in Newark & studied up
hard for the future just found the Scream of Naomi on his failure doorstep, for
the final time, Naomi gone, us lonely -- home -- him sitting there --Then have some chicken soup, Eugene. The Man of Evangel
wails in front of City Hall. And this year Lou has poetic loves of suburb
middle age -- in secret -- music from his 1937 book -- Sincere -- he longs for beauty --
No love since Naomi screamed -- since 1923? -- now lost in
Greystone ward -- new shock for her -- Electricity, following the 40 Insulin. And Metrazol had made her fat.
- Perhaps the most shocking parts of the poem detail young Allen's perceptions of his mother as a sexual predator.
- during Ginsberg's 'heterosexual' phase as a young man he was psychoanalyzed and came to believe that his homosexuality was an aberration caused by his experiences with his mother
One time I thought she was trying to make me come lay her --
flirting to herself at sink -- lay back on huge bed that filled most of the
room, dress up round her hips, big slash of hair, scars of operations,
pancreas, belly wounds, abortions, appendix, stitching of incisions pulling
down in the fat like hideous thick zippers -- ragged long lips between her legs
-- What, even, smell of asshole? I was cold -- later revolted a little, not
much -- seemed perhaps a good idea to try -- know the Monster of the Beginning
Womb -- Perhaps -- that way. Would she care? She needs a lover.
- The fourth section begins the same way ('O Mother what have I left out') and conjures her image, once again jumping freely from thought to thought. What is the connection between starving India and the painting class in the Bronx? The connection is simply Naomi, that this was her life:
with your eyes of Russia
with your eyes of no money
with your eyes of false China
with your eyes of Aunt Elanor
with your eyes of starving India
with your eyes pissing in the park
with your eyes of America taking a fall
with your eyes of your failure at the piano
with your eyes of your relatives in California
with your eyes of Ma Rainey dying in an ambulance
with your eyes of Czechoslovakia attacked by robots
with your eyes going to painting class at night in the Bronx
The fifth, final section imagines the gravesite, the cawing
crows and the muttered prayers to God. These are the last words:
Lord Lord an echo in the sky the wind through ragged leaves
the roar of memory
caw caw all years my birth a dream caw caw New York the bus
the broken shoe the vast highschool caw caw all Visions of the Lord
Lord Lord Lord caw caw caw Lord Lord Lord caw caw caw Lord
- Two later Ginsberg's poems about his mother appear in his 1986 collection White Shroud. The title poem presents a dream vision of his mother in which Allen finds the kind of peace that had not been possible in reality.
- later in the book a poem called Black Shroud tells the painful truth, and we hear for the first time about the lobotomy that finally calmed his mother after all else had failed.
She had come into the bathroom her face hidden
in her breast, hair overhanging her figure bent in front
of me, stiff in hypertension, rigor mortis
convulsed her living body while she screamed
at the doctor and apartment house we inhabited.
Some electric current flowing up her spine tortured her,
foot to scalp unbearable, some professional advice
required quick action, I took her wrists, and held her
bound to the sink, beheading her silently with swift
dispatch, one gesture, a stroke of the knife-like ax
that cut thru her neck like soft thick gum, dead quick
Insanity And Art
- Despite the fact that real insanity is invariably tragic and debilitating, the notion of the disaffected mind has a romantic sense.
- There is an honesty and Zen simplicity to the demented mind; we see this charming simplicity in Kaddish when Naomi tells of serving God a bowl of lentil soup.
- If you believe the normal world is corrupt, insanity is a path to purity.
